The Top of the Roller Coaster

I have struggled with anxiety and visibility issues my whole life (thank you, childhood trauma), and right now, I am about to shift gears. I’ve had so many projects in motion, slowly building and building, with more tension and weight each semester. And though I still feel that anxiety in my chest (right there—under the clavicle…), I am excited about what’s coming at me.

Usually I feel the most anxiety in a time of transition—that in between month or week here and there. My muscle tension causes costochondritis flare-ups, I have more panic attacks, the works. It’s why I often distance myself in May from a lot of celebrations—my anxiety makes my brain think I’m about to be hit by a truck.

And here in these last 2 weeks of May—after spring semester is over but before the “real” summer break starts—I feel that tension but in a different way. You might know the feeling—on a roller coaster, right at the very tippy top of the first drop. The world is almost silent, maybe a little too bright since I took off my sunglasses, and you can see the twists and turns ahead, but you know you are about to move so fast that you won’t get a good look at the path again until the ride is over. That feeling of your weight lifting, ever so slightly, as the car begins to drop. That tiny moment—that half a second of weightlessness—is where I am right now.

I can see the path ahead is convoluted and full of challenge, but instead of bracing myself for the truck to run me over, I feel—what is that? Is that…excitement?

I have a timeline / table in place for prep for Whippoorwill (and the starting images for the book cover!), I have a bulletin board over my home desk to keep track of SUNYCoW conference tasks, and a Scrivener doc that holds JUST the small Appalachian pieces I’m working on (horrible attempts at poetry, essays, and short stories). That last one is the most uncomfortable right now—adding my own voice to the cacophony of voices in the world—speaking/writing loud enough to be heard.

Currently, I am reading the Jane Friedman articles and blogs to understand more about the business of writing.

I am watching the Writers’ Bridge Youtube videos to understand more about the marketing of my work and the work of others.

I am listening to the Read Appalachia podcast to hear from other Appalachian writers and readers.

But I am always on the lookout for additional resources, so please share any you have found to be especially helpful in building connection and confidence (here, Substack, Instagram, Facebook, wherever!), as I am realizing that so very many writers and artists experience the same anxiety. Let’s hope this ride is as smooth as it can be, while still being an exhilarating run.